Support During Divorce: How Safe are Your Safe People?
Support during divorce
If there is one event in life that leaves your heart feeling split open and totally vulnerable, it is divorce.
You want comfort, solace, and support, so you look towards your friends and family for it. You believe that because they love you and care for what you are going through they will understand your pain and confusion.
Before you openly share your innermost thoughts with other people, ask yourself: are they the best people to turn to for support during divorce? How safe are your “safe” people?
In their book, Safe People, Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend describe safe people as those possessing certain traits. Perhaps the most important of them is empathy. “Empathy,” they write, “is walking in the moccasins of another person, and not judging him until we can see what suffering he’s been through to get to the point he’s at.”
It is important to assess whether your experience is being received with empathy or not before you decide to open up entirely to people. Here are some reactions you might encounter that are indicative that the person is really not a safe person to share your vulnerabilities with:
They express the view (or imply) that since you made the choice to get divorced, you deserve no special consideration.
This minimizes the enormity of your decision or what might have led to it. You might have made a choice because you had no choice, were driven to do so, or because you felt that this was the only choice you could make that would preserve your sense of self. Whatever, the case may be, just because you made this choice doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt, and anyone who doesn’t understand that isn’t a safe person to open up to at this time.
Your life’s ‘story’ becomes a soap opera for them.
You are in this drama not because you enjoy living in a dramatic state but because that is what divorce is. However, an unsafe person will fan the spark to make it even bigger. Even though it might feel better to have allies who wallow in it with you, it is not in your best interest because it keeps you stuck in that state.
While you do want people to understand what you are going through, a safe person will attempt to guide you past that. Besides, what you say in anger or out of deep hurt can easily be taken out of context, or worse, used against you at a later date.
You pain and vulnerability gives them an opportunity to take charge of your life.
They tell you what you should or shouldn’t be doing in your divorce, with your time, or in your life.They are judging you and that is the last thing you need at this time. No one, but you, knows what is best for you!
In a recent article in the Huffington Post, attorney James Sexton, shares tips on what to say and what not to say while you are getting divorced. His first tip is to have a plan so that you know what you are going to do. Another piece of great advice is to never put things in writing and especially not on social media.
During divorce, you might not be fully cognizant of what you are sharing. Some of that information might impact others you love, like your children, and this might be more information than you would have given under normal circumstances.
When in doubt, err to the side of caution but don’t ‘stuff’ your emotions. To heal, you must feel and to arrive at solutions when you in a confused state, a good sounding board is important.
Find a professional who can help. A therapist can guide you through the grieving process, while a divorce mentor and coach will help you come up with a plan not only for this but other aspects of your life as well. Both professionals are non-judgmental, know how to handle sensitive information, and are also bound by confidentiality (to the extent allowed by law).
Your divorce brings out the best or the worst in people. At the very least, it shows them as who they truly are. If the people in your life are ‘safe people,’ count yourself blessed and lean on them, but if they lack the empathy that you need, be your own advocate and find the right professionals to help you navigate the choppy waters of divorce.